Anxiety sucks, but it can be a catalyst for massive spiritual growth. In this interview on “ACIM Hangout” I share my journey through anxiety and the hard core teachings of “A Course in Miracles” that helped me kick anxiety out the door.
Image courtesy of arztsamui / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
One of my ego’s favorite ways to hook my attention has been through fears of sickness. Worrying about the health of my body has been an ego pattern that has accompanied me throughout most of my life. “The god of sickness” (which the Course says is really a belief in nothing) is something that I’ve chased and looked for my whole life.
To hear Corinne talk about this experience on a recent ACIM study group call, download the mp3 HERE.
I recently had a wonderful opportunity. It was an opportunity to look at my firmly held belief that my body can hurt me. It was an opportunity to look, smack-in-the-face, at my fears about personal sickness.
I’ve always avoided being in the space of “not knowing” if something was wrong with my body. Illness had always terrified me and I’d rush to the doctor at the first hint that something was wrong. Being in a place of suspecting a problem and not knowing the cause was a place I avoided like the plague (pun intended).
To my ego’s (Corinne’s) unhappiness, I was recently in that place of “not knowing” for a span of several months. I had been undergoing a series of lab tests and scans because one inconclusive but abnormal test result lead to another one and then to more. I had moments of feeling terrified, yet there were also moments where I was able to rest in a space of pure innocence, feeling like it was impossible for anything to hurt me.
Having been in similar situations in the past, I was well aware that I had two choices in this situation. I could freak out and sweat it out, only feeling better once I got a clean bill of health, or I could decide to look for my peace where it REALLY can be found. And when I decided that I wanted to find the type of peace that did not depend on the outcome of a test result, I became wholly willing to find it.
Withholding nothing from the Holy Spirit was a key component throughout this process. Every time I felt the fear of sickness arise and the strong pull to believe it, I turned to the Holy Spirit instead, asking to be taught about the UNimportance of the body. As promised in the Course:
“I can be entrusted with your body and your ego only because this enables you not to be concerned with them, and lets me teach you their unimportance.” – ACIM T-4.I.13
Every moment when the fear grew strong, I didn’t dismiss it, I didn’t minimize it, I didn’t make myself try to “feel better” by telling myself that my body would be OK. Instead, I let go of everything, putting it in the Holy Spirit’s arms, trusting that I CAN learn True Healing and the unimportance of the body — with the help of the Holy Spirit. Above all, I recognized this was coming up as an opportunity to look WITH the Holy Spirit at another layer of my blocks to Love, and allow them to be undone as I was willing to let them go.
There were many other ideas from the Course that were key in helping me in this situation, including the Course’s teachings on cause and effect. According to the Course, the last step of the separation was the reversal of cause and effect., and so this is where salvation begins:
“Effect and cause are first split off, and then reversed, so that effect becomes a cause; the cause, effect. This is the separation’s final step, with which salvation, which proceeds to go the other way, begins.” – ACIM T-28.II.8-9.
The way of the world is to think that things “out there” can “cause” me to have a bad day, or can “cause” me to get sick. Even thinking that my body can make me sick is to give the body the power to be able to cause or in other words, create an illness. The Course teaches that this is not true. My body is an effect of my mind, and to find where salvation begins, I became wholly willing to accept that what I was experiencing was coming from my split mind. The situation in which I found myself was coming from my ego, because my ego knew it would be a hook where I would be likely to take the bait to stay in fear. But not this time.
Essentially, working with the spikes of fear boiled down to 3 steps for me.
- Step 1: Every moment when the fear arises (e.g. fears of death or fears of the flu) look at that fear WITH the Holy Spirit, rather than turning away from it or minimizing it.
Suggested self-talk: “I’m willing to look at this WITH you.” “I’m willing to look at my beliefs that are bringing this fear about.” “I am willing to own that this is coming from my split mind.”
- Step 2: Clean up shop and toss EVERYTHING into the Holy Spirit’s hands.
Suggested self-talk: “Take this from me and look upon it, judging it for me” (T-19.IV.C.i.11), “Teach me the right perception of my body” “Teach me how to think like you.” “I withhold absolutely nothing from You. Take it all.”
- Step 3: Seek a moment of quiet.
At times, I felt so much fear that meditation seemed too difficult. Instead, I found that getting on my knees into a prayer pose helped my practice of Step 2. Being in prayer pose helped me to feel like I am done being the maker of my own dream, and I’m ready to let the Holy Spirit take the lead. As I truly relinquished everything, the only thing that remained was joyful quietness and pure peace.
I worked these steps as if my life depended on it (becoming aware of our True Life most certainly DOES depend on this), every single time I felt a spike in of fear. By handing over my fixed false perceptions to the Holy Spirit, I started to experience small glimpses of pure joy, and a feeling that NOTHING can hurt us in Truth. Sickness began to feel utterly preposterous.
“When I am healed, I am not healed alone” – ACIM Lesson 137
When I got the phone call announcing a clean bill of health, my ego was relieved, but my Spirit was untouched, knowing that any picture of the world can’t change the truth of who we are. The ego cannot change Truth. By working the steps above and resting many times in a place of pure joy and innocence, my belief in sickness felt like it was going down the drain.
An unexpected event then occurred. Unknown to me, within one minute of my receiving the phone call with “good news” from my doctor, my mom, while in her kitchen, found herself looking at the clock, distinctly noting that it was 5:31 p.m. She was 75 miles away and unaware that I had gotten the surprise doctor’s call at 5:30 p.m. My mom had been in the midst of a 5-day long cluster-type migraine headache (which often knock her off of her feet for several days per week, every week). One minute before I received the phone call, she experienced a sensation as if several layers of sandbags were being lifted off of her shoulders, resulting in the almost instant dissipation of the headache. Subsequently she was headache free for weeks, which has not occurred in years. This healing did not happen because she was relieved about my news. She had been working the Course as I had been, and we simply both joined in meeting the conditions of peace. It is there where healing happens.
I realized that I have been chasing after the god of sickness my entire life. I looked for him. I sought him out. That is what I’ve always done by running to the doctor out of fear every time I noticed a physical symptom.
Instead of running to the doctor (which wasn’t an option because I was forced to wait things out), I ran to the Holy Spirit. Seriously ran. And I let go more deeply than I thought I could. The miracle that came was a healing for me, my mom, and for anyone who needs it.
The thought then came to me, “The god of sickness is loosening his hold on me” but I was given an immediate correction with a firm “No!” – “I am learning how to let go of the god of sickness.”
To hear Corinne talk about this experience on a recent ACIM study group call, download the mp3 HERE.
Let’s connect!
After having struggled with anxiety for many years, I’m a big fan of inner peace. A HUGE fan. I’ve found that simplicity breeds peace, so naturally, I like to keep things simple.
I have only one New Year’s resolution, which is actually not about New Year’s at all. It is about the way that I choose to live my life, every day of every year. Taking this one step has brought more peace to my mind and to my heart than I ever could have imagined before.
My resolution is simply this:
“I resolve to withhold nothing from my Inner Guide.”
My life, my relationships, my work, my money, my health, my body, my perceptions. It all goes. Every fleeting fear thought, every “tiny scrap of meanness,” every time I’m aware enough to catch a judgmental thought, I bring it to the Holy Spirit.
I used to have resistance to taking certain things, like a relationship or my health, to the Holy Spirit. I preferred the “illusion” of having control over it myself. Yet, I’ve learned that the only place where anything is safe is in our Inner Guide’s Loving Arms. Don’t you think that the Holy Spirit will take better care of it than you will?
I’m a control freak in recovery. I used to chuckle thinking about the fact that if I consciously tried to control and do all that my liver does for my body, I’d be dead in 10 minutes. I don’t know how to do my liver’s job. Yet it is working all of the time, doing exactly what it is supposed to do. I simply need to let it be and not interfere.
The Holy Spirit does not need our involvement in fixing our own perceptions, just like our liver doesn’t need our involvement to do its job. All we need to do is step aside and LET BE. The Holy Spirit is asking us to bring our perceptions to it, so our perceptions can be exchanged for miracles. Our only task is to leave nothing hidden from the Holy Spirit. This is where the work needs to get done. This is the part we have to play.
Wherever life is tripping you up, it is doing so to keep you identified with the ego (aka your personal sense of limited self). Therefore, as the Course says, “Every situation properly perceived becomes an opportunity to heal the Son of God” (Original edition chapter 19, Part I, para. 2)
So look at whatever is coming up for you straight in the face, WITH the Holy Spirit. If something scares you, worries you, or challenges you, say to the Holy Spirit, “I’m willing to look at this WITH you.” Withhold nothing and look at it all.
Change does not need to be forced because you are exactly where you are supposed to be for your own growth and learning. By withholding nothing from the Holy Spirit, the layers of “issues” that we have simply begin to fall away. We find we don’t need them anymore as we learn who we TRULY are, which is not a body.
This is how we learn how to heal, because as we withhold nothing, we learn that we receive everything.
Let’s connect!
“…the truth is true and nothing else is true.” – A Course in Miracles (ACIM)
We need this reminder often, especially this week after the horrific tragedies of the Sandy Hook, CT shootings. Such an event turns all of our worlds upside down, as a massacre of young children and heroic women violates every law we expect that the world would follow. And it is through feeling our world turned upside down, that we are hurled into remembering that the world follows no laws that make sense.
The world provides no safety because it is not our home, and was made apart from Love. Our home and our safety is in our Loving Source, which we only have occasional glimpses of while we believe that we are these bodies.
“…the truth is true and nothing else is true.” – A Course in Miracles
Sit for a moment with the latter part of this sentence, and slowly absorb what it means. There can’t be two opposing forces that are both true. There is only Love, or there is only not-love. Every part of us that suffers is not the truth.
We cannot see two worlds and the one that we do see is very real to us because we want it to be. Because we cannot “see” outside of the world of form, our Loving Source (God) has given us a Guide to see with vision, and that Guide is the Holy Spirit, our Higher Mind. But God does not intrude. God waits for us to ask to see differently with His Help. The body’s eyes will always see what the concrete split mind wants to see to uphold belief in it, however painful the outcome seems. The Holy Spirit waits patiently for us to choose for it.
Yet we have to own, acknowledge, and feel our feelings. We don’t yet know or believe that we are not these bodies. The most loving thing we can do for ourselves is to allow ourselves to be exactly where we are at. It is through our willingness to feel our feelings, and to give them to the Holy Spirit, that we come to have gentle experiences that teach us the truth of what we are. Only by allowing ourselves to go through what we need to go through, can we come to a place of loosening our fixed perceptions.
“The capacity to empathize is very useful to the Holy Spirit, provided you let Him use it in his way.” – Chapter 16 on “true empathy” in ACIM (NOTE: I highly recommend reading this section further)
In loving honor of the victims of the shootings, let us be willing to remember that we are not these bodies. Let us give all of our empathy, our feelings, and our perceptions to the Holy Spirit, to use on behalf of TRUE healing. Let us ask the Holy Spirit for the EXPERIENCE of truth. Our Loving Guide will not fail to bring a miracle and experience of truth, which we will receive the instant we are ready to receive it.
Be willing to look at every belief that this horrific event brings up in you. For me, this event brought many beliefs to the surface of my awareness, which I am willing to look at with the Holy Spirit. Here are a few:
- That the world should follow laws that make sense
- That I really DO believe that the separation has occurred
- That I am my body
- That defense makes me safe.
Leave nothing hidden from the Light of Love. We need to look at every belief and every “scrap of meanness” (ACIM Sparkle edition p.77) that we carry in our own minds, and bring it to the Light. In doing so, we allow ourselves to be healed, and offer healing to the world.
Let us pray to our Higher Mind, “Take this from me and look upon it judging it for me” (A Course In Miracles, FIP T-19.IV.C.i.11).
Feel free to share the beliefs that you are willing to look at with the Holy Spirit, in the comments below.
With so much love to everyone,
Corinne
Let’s connect!
When I heard that we were going to get hit by a mutant hurricane in late October, I never would have guessed it would have been as devastating to the Jersey shore and other areas as it was.
Although we made adequate enough preparations for Hurricane Sandy and remained safe in our house, I was not prepared to have all forms of communication down (my landline, cell phone, internet, and television), a potential long-term power outage, the inability to easily get gasoline (no electricity = no working gas pumps, and we need electricity to pump drinking water from our well), and the supermarket potentially closed for days.
I was scared. For about 3 days I was stuck in fear and survival mode and found myself plagued by thoughts about having “enough.” “Will we have enough gasoline to run our generator beyond today?” “Where will we get more gas when we need it?” (We heard of only one open gas station with a 2-3 hour wait and it would likely run out of gas soon.) “Will we have enough food until the supermarkets reopen?” “Do our parents have enough food and water?”
Threats to bodily basic needs are anxiety provoking indeed, because I think the body is me. There has got to be a better way.
Here are some A Course in Miracles-inspired lessons that came forth for me in this experience:
“The ego relishes fear”
For 3 days I made only a meager effort at reducing the level of fear I felt. I wanted the relief from fear to come from outside of myself in the form of knowing my parents had electricity, knowing we had “enough” gas to keep our generator going, or by having our means of communication restored. I felt a surprising resistance to picking up my ACIM book or getting quiet. The fear had a seductive feeling to it… like the ONLY way out of the fear was to fix things “out there.”
The ego becomes strong in strife.
– A Course In Miracles (FIP T-5.III.8)
The ego WANTS me to worry and to stay in fear, because pain is a strong witness that the ego must be real. At times, the fear can feel insurmountable but making a genuine effort to find a little willingness to turn to the Holy Spirit is all that is needed for a shift to occur.
The effort I needed to genuinely turn to the Holy Spirit reminded me of a scene in the 1982 film, Poltergeist, when Diane is frantically trying to reach her kids’ room at the end of the “endless hallway.” As she runs towards the door at the end of the hallway, the hallway stretches out and lengthens, keeping the door out of reach. With a final burst of energy and effort, she is able to reach the door in time to save her children.
This determined effort to run through this “endless hallway” of fear is what I needed to make. It is MY responsibility to take my fearful perceptions to the Holy Spirit, and these were perceptions that my ego WANTED me to hang on to. It was as if I had to keep my mind’s eye fixated on the door of that “endless hallway” (the door being the Holy Spirit), while there were screeching witnesses for fear all over the hallway walls. But the instant my gaze fixated on the door at the end of the hallway, it was immediately within my reach. I just had to make the effort to be willing to not look elsewhere, even if only for an instant.
This required not just a pleading, “Holy spirit help us!” while continuing to generate fear and worry, but a trust that the Holy Spirit is HERE no matter what my body’s eyes are seemingly showing me. Once I touched this, I could start to see the miracles and synchronicities that were already occurring around me: my neighbor offered us use of her gas stove so we could cook our food, another neighbor offered extra gasoline for our generator, we were in the right place to provide someone in need with extra space heaters… and the list goes on.
Self-talk suggestion: “I am willing to look ONLY to the Holy Spirit in this moment, despite whatever it is that my body’s eyes are showing me. Holy Spirit, I bring you everything that I think I see and everything that I am feeling.”
“I very much believe that I am a body, and recognizing this is important”
Intellectualizing the Course and DOING the Course are two different things. The Course assures us that this is all a dream, and that we are not these bodies, but the Course also says that we’ve made this very real for ourselves. We SURE have! Experiencing “threats” to my basic needs showed me how much I still believe that I am a body. And this is not something that I need to worry about correcting on my own. If I try to correct this mistake on my own, I’m doing the Holy Spirit’s job for it, which I am asked NOT to do.
The only way of reversing our “tiny mad idea” of separation is to be exactly where we are at. We cannot pretend that we are anywhere else. If I am scared, worried, or angry, I allow myself to be scared, worried or angry. By accepting where I am at and then taking everything that I think and feel to the Holy Spirit, I open myself to a shift in perception. This shift in perception is ALREADY given, but we won’t see it until we’re ready to see it. We can’t deny what we see alone. We need to allow the Holy Spirit to be our guide to true perception.
By being willing to look WITH the Holy Spirit at how I believe I am a body, I open myself up to having an experience, which will teach me that I am not a body, when I am ready.
Self-talk suggestion: “I allow myself to be where I am at. Holy Spirit, teach me the right perception of the body because I believe it is me.” (inspired by FIP T-8.IX.1)
“Your home is not here”
The familiar area that I know and love has been drastically changed, and I felt that familiar feeling of the “world getting turned upside down.”
According to Ch. 18 in ACIM, our “original error” which seemed to fragment Heaven (reality) into separate pieces occurred when we decided to make a substitution for reality. In other words, the world as I know it IS my chosen substitution for Heaven. I have a special relationship with the world I see with my body’s eyes.
The world arose to hide [our error of substituting illusion for truth], and became the screen on which it was projected and drawn between you and the truth.
-ACIM (FIP T-18.I.6; OE T-18.II.6)
We feel guilty about our choice for choosing the world, because choosing for something other than Heaven was a scary thing to do. So as we witness the destruction of our homes and land, we’re shaken to our core, because it becomes obvious that our roots are very shallow.
Salvation is no more than a reminder this world is not your home. -ACIM (FIP T-25.VI.6)
Our whole world can turn “upside down” because it is built on a foundation that is false. Anything that can “come and go, shift and change, suffer and die” (FIP M-12.6) is part of the dream of separation and it is not part of us. We want to remember truth, because it makes us happy.
I was unable to speak with my family during and after the storm due to the phones being down. If I remained locked in worry about my family members’ safety, I was affirming this dream of separation and giving the ego the fuel that it desired. However, in these circumstance at this particular time, I could not NOT worry about my family, because I believed that this was all really happening. We have to be where we are at. Yet I CAN actively take my worry to the Holy Spirit. This is my responsibility.
Self-talk suggestion: “My home is not in this world. I am willing to learn this. Truth has not left me and this dream is nothing to be afraid of. I am safe, I am loved, and nothing can hurt me in truth.”
“EVERY challenge that you encounter is an opportunity to look at your hidden beliefs with the Holy Spirit.”
In our “decent into fear” into the dream of separation, we made up lots of mistaken thoughts and beliefs. The Course is asking us to take the Holy Spirit by the hand, so we can retrace and look at every mistaken belief with the Holy Spirit in order for it to be undone:
The Holy Spirit takes you gently by the hand, and retraces with you your mad journey outside yourself, leading you gently back to the truth and safety within. He brings all your insane projections and the wild substitutions that you have placed outside you to the truth. Thus He reverses the course of insanity and restores you to reason. – ACIM (FIP T-18.I.8).
Here are some hidden beliefs that I was able to look at solely because of this stormy experience:
- I had already decided what the external picture should look like in order to keep Corinne peaceful.
- Being on a spiritual path does NOT mean that the picture of my world will stay pretty. Rather, it means that no matter what the picture “out there” is, I am taking what I see to the Holy Spirit to be given the EXPERIENCE of truth and peace within.
- Anytime I am angry or upset, that is just my ego’s plan for salvation NOT working out (again!).
- There is a tendency to want to get into a comfort zone FIRST and THEN practice the Course after I’m back to peace. With a tiny bit of willingness, we can work the Course even in the midst of overwhelming fear.
- The Course isn’t about making the world turn out OK. It is about leading us to see it for what it really is.
Self-talk suggestion: “Being upset is an indicator that I’m hitting on an ego hidden belief. I am willing to look at what is coming up WITH the Holy Spirit. I withhold and hide nothing.”
My heart goes out to everyone affected by Hurricane Sandy. Being in this world of form is not easy. Yet with every challenge the ego calls forth, there is a blazing miracle right beside it – a chance to be willing to see differently under the Holy Spirit’s guidance, and to experience the truth behind the form. Following the Holy Spirit is “the easiest thing in the world, and the only thing that is easy, because it is not of the world” (FIP T-7.XI.1).
Let’s connect!
What do unexplained nervousness and a grudge have in common? These feelings taught me a powerful lesson. By refusing to let go of a grudge, I was not only holding the other person to their body and ego, but I was holding myself to my own body and ego. Once I became willing to see the grudge differently, I was no longer holding myself to my own ego, and the nervousness fell away.
Do you ever wake up feeling like fear is gripping you around the neck? Or do you wake up feeling an unshakable sense of peace?
I’ve experienced both.
I have found that early mornings are a time when my “guard” is down. If I have even the slightest amount of fear coming up, I am most easily going to feel it in the morning as I am waking up. This is a time when we have not yet been able to distract ourselves from that fear (for instance, by jumping out of bed and hopping into the shower or onto the computer) or we have not yet been able to use any tools to work with the fear (e.g. meditation, positive self-talk, ACIM lessons, etc.).
This is a time when you can learn an important piece of information about how you REALLY feel. Having this “guard” down is a good thing, because often times we busy ourselves in order to avoid the fear that we feel, rather than stop to look at the source of where the fear is coming from.
Our Inner Guide can’t heal what we keep hidden. So rather than run from the fear, we need to look at it WITH our Inner Guide. This is what “A Course in Miracles” is asking us to do.
Have you ever had the experience of going to bed and feeling really peaceful, and then waking up in the morning with gripping fear? Your mind is always active, and even in your sleeping dreams, your mind is choosing for the ego (fear) or for Truth (Love).
Next time you wake up, look at what feelings are coming up for you as you awaken. If you have the slightest amount of un-ease or if you have full-blown fear in your mind, rather than running away from it through distraction, be willing to look at it.
Say to yourself, as you hold the un-ease in your mind, “Inner Guide, I am WILLING to look at this WITH you. I am willing to not keep it hidden.”
Do this EVERY time you notice the fear creep in. You can also ask for help in understanding the conditions which brought the fear about:
The correction of fear is your responsibility. When you ask for release from fear, you are implying that it is not. You should ask, instead, for help in the conditions that have brought the fear about. These conditions always entail a willingness to be separate. At that level you can help it. You are much too tolerant of mind wandering, and are passively condoning your mind’s miscreations (see FIP T-2,VI.4).
The correction of fear is our responsibility in that we have to turn to our Inner Guide for help in this process. We can’t do it alone. The conditions of fear also have to do with our false beliefs that we really pulled off the separation from our Source, that we are limited to a body, that our dream of death is real, and the associated unconscious guilt that we feel because of this. In Truth, we have not changed Reality in the slightest bit. We are not guilty!
A very helpful statement in Lesson 110 of ACIM is “I am as God created me. His Son can suffer nothing, and I AM his Son.” We are EXACTLY as Love created us – eternal and filled with Peace and Joy.
Our Inner Guide, the Holy Spirit, is within our mind to help us remember this. Every time a scrap of fear arises in our minds, it is an opportunity to look at it WITH the Holy Spirit. This is real healing. Otherwise, we are just ignoring the fear, and the fear is free to keep coming back in countless other forms.
Look at the fear with your Inner Guide. Keep doing so as it keeps arising. Know that you ARE as Love created you, and so you can suffer NOTHING. Yay!!
Do you ever struggle with early morning fear and work “A Course In Miracles” to help? Share your process with us by leaving a comment below!
Aug 152012
As students of “A Course in Miracles” we “get” the whole idea that the body isn’t real and that this is all an illusion.
But if you’re like me, I wake up everyday thinking that I am Corinne and that I am limited to an existence in a body. “Getting” the idea of this world being an illusion is often an intellectual understanding – the “knowing” comes as we LIVE the Course.
For my 35th birthday, I got a lovely present from my doctor… a prescription for my first mammogram! I could hardly breathe while being squished between two plexiglass plates.
When the technician said “Umm… I think we’re going to need you to stay for an ultrasound too,” I had that familiar feeling of doom creeping in. I knew that everything was likely fine as I’ve been living with a benign condition for years, but my ego was tempting me with thoughts of terrible outcomes.
As I sat in the waiting area for my unexpected ultrasound, I thought about what we are being asked to do as Course students, while seemingly on this planet.
Heaven is not something that we choose for once we are on our deathbeds. Our task is to learn how to choose for Heaven RIGHT NOW, even when we’re freaked out and facing scary circumstances. Our choice for Heaven is not simply at the point of death.
“Rest in peace” is a blessing for the living, not the dead, because rest comes from waking, not from sleeping. T-8.IX.3
If I were to be diagnosed with a terrible disease, my task THEN would be EXACTLY the same as it is NOW… to have willingness to bring my thoughts, perceptions, and hidden beliefs to the Holy Spirit to be exchanged for truth instead. Our “hidden beliefs” are what the Course is asking us to look at with our Inner Teacher. These “hidden beliefs” consist of any thought that we think apart from God, and these thoughts take countless forms (e.g. that I am separate, that I have needs, that I want things to turn out a certain way…).
Somehow, just knowing that my task is the same, regardless of however the picture appears, restores my peace. It restores my peace because I know that at minimum, I am ALWAYS willing to have willingness. I KNOW that when I turn to the Holy Spirit, peace flows (and if I don’t accept that peace right away, I know it will come when I am ready). When my willingness is strong, it is effortless to turn to the Holy Spirit. When my willingness is lacking, I am willing to allow it to grow. We CAN’T fail! Willingness is everything.
So my choice is always, do I want to procrastinate and avoid turning to the Holy Spirit (which I am free to do)? Or do I want to WORK the Course’s principles because I KNOW they will bring me peace, whether I am seemingly here on this planet for 50 more years or 1 more day…
Peace isn’t about the picture “out there.” Peace is about an experience that lies beyond the picture.
The Course prompts us to consider the question, “What is it for?”
In any situation in which you are uncertain, the first thing to consider, very simply, is ”What do I want to come of this? What is it for?” The clarification of the goal belongs at the beginning, for it is this which will determine the outcome. T-17.VI.2
What was this situation with an unexpected ultrasound for?? It was for one of two things. It was either going to be used by my ego to keep my belief in separation going (that I am a body that can be hurt), OR it was going to be an opportunity to bring what I’m thinking, seeing, and feeling to the Holy Spirit, to allow the Holy Spirit to show me the truth behind the picture.
The power to decide is mine (and each one of ours). We alone are each responsible for whether we dilly-dally, or whether we exercise our power of decision by allowing the Holy Spirit to be our guide.
My peace is BACK, baby!
And all is well.
I’ve never considered myself to have social anxiety, but there are definitely times when I feel more outgoing than others. I’m naturally on the quiet side.
I took the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (a personality indicator) years ago when I was in college. I scored a strong “E” for extroverted. I “recharged my battery” by interacting with other people and being social.
After embarking on an inward journey, developing a meditation routine, and developing a relationship with my Inner Guide, things started to shift. When I took the Myers Briggs many years later, my “E” score switched to an “I” for Introverted. I now get my energy from going within, being reflective, keeping myself company, and enjoying silence.
I was at a social gathering recently with a group of beautiful people, but I found that as friends, we really do not have much in common. No one digs the spiritual work I’m into, and there are very few commonalities that we share. While getting ready for the gathering, I noticed feeling pressure to look a certain way (i.e. I feared my unpainted toenails might be judged as “gross”). Fears of being judged for bare toenails took over, so I painted on some funky royal blue nail polish! (How insane is fear!)
Who is doing the judging though? Is it them? Or is it me? I’m willing to look…
I’d like to think that it is “them.” “They” are the ones judging “me” and causing me to feel self-conscious. This keeps ME separate from THEM and UNABLE to do anything about it except judge back or avoid the situation. In this way, our egos all stay alive and well. I am holding them to their ego identities, and I’m holding myself to my ego identity. I’m externalizing cause (something outside of me is causing me to feel the way I feel).
The Course, however, much to my ego’s dismay, is teaching me that I am the one doing the judging FIRST. I’m judging in many ways… that “they” should be different than they are, that “they” are something separate from me, and on a deep level, I am judging that I WANT them to be separate from me because I WANT to stay in this dream of separation. I “hired” them to help me keep the separation going.
It is so funny that the entire time I was at this party, I didn’t think of the Holy Spirit once! I completely forgot about Him/Her. I thought about the Holy Spirit before and after the party, but not while I was sucked into self-conscious mode.
Self-conscious mode = ego alert!
Self-consciousness means you’re conscious of yourself. Which self? The small ego self.
Self-consciousness is the PERFECT ego ploy to keep you believing that you’re limited to a personality with a body. It is also a perfect barometer for indicating who you are siding with. If you’re siding with the ego, self-consciousness will feel strong. If you’re siding with the Holy Spirit and therefore conscious of your Self (Higher Self), the peace will flow.
Everything that I’m experiencing is coming from my mind, which is divided between Truth and a dream. It is the split part of my mind (which WANTS the dream) that calls forth witnesses to keep me believing that I am a body.
I am responsible for what I see. I choose the feelings I experience, and I decide upon the goal I would achieve. And everything that seems to happen to me I ask for, and receive as I have asked. - A Course in Miracles (T-21. II.2)
If I am choosing for the separation and following the ego as my guide, I WILL call forth witnesses that “prove” that the separation is real. I will receive as I have asked. If I am choosing to follow the Holy Spirit’s guidance, I will call forth witnesses that show me that only Love is real. Again, I will receive as I have asked.
Does this mean that we need to master this and stay in situations where we are uncomfortable? Certainly not. But “discomfort is aroused only to bring the need for correction into awareness” (T-2.V.7). So if we’re experiencing discomfort, it becomes an opportunity to look at what is coming up WITH the Holy Spirit. That is ALL we have to do – we give our willingness to the Holy Spirit in exchange for the miracle instead.
Question: I suffer from anxiety and depression. My question may sound dumb for someone practicing “A Course in Miracles” for 11 years but … for example … I get stuck mentally … I do very well at picking up on the fact that fear and/or whatever has sent me into depression! I am pleased I catch it early… Being aware isn’t enough… What is the self talk / thought process you worked with after realizing what is going on?
- Peter
P.S. as I read this over it hit me that this is actually the “First Letter of Peter to a Corinneian”
I actually had a major episode of anxiety after already having been a Course student for 12 years (your question is not at all dumb!). It was after that time that I realized that I was doing the Course, but that there are layers to living it. Our work with the Course gets deeper as our willingness continues to grow. Plus, I would never really work that hard with the Course unless I was in extreme discomfort. When things got very painful, I really started working the principles. So the pain served a useful purpose – it got me working hard to find relief. Now I show up to do work with the Holy Spirit daily. This commitment is key for me because the “ego always speaks first” and it is our primary identity in this world. If I start to think “I’ve got it” and try to coast, I ultimately get into some form of difficulty again.
Here are some ideas that have helped me:
- “Anxiety (or depression or substitute any sickness) is a defense against the truth (See Lesson 136). I am the one calling forth this anxiety to keep me believing that I am a body and that I am Corinne. I take responsibility for this. I am not a body and I am not Corinne. I am a Holy part of the mind of God” (substitute your own name).
- “I’m willing to look at what is coming up WITH the Holy Spirit.” When I do this, the next step is to hand it over and ask for the miracle instead. I am vigilant, vigilant, vigilant about this now. This is a step you actually have to DO. It requires ACTION.
- “This pain/resistance is my UNwillingness to heal coming forward. I realize that I (my ego) WANTS this world and wants it to work out so badly. I own that. Again, I’m willing to look at this with the Holy Spirit” (By the way, I wrote a blog post about looking at that UNwillingness here).
Everything I have learned that has helped me is ultimately soothing that terror-filled unconscious split mind that we have – and I’ve touched this part of my mind. Touching this deep level is what has ultimately made a difference for me. Previously, the whole “guilt” thing in ACIM was more of an intellectual understanding for me. Now, it has been an experience of knowing that an unconscious part of me carries guilt and fear for seemingly separating from our Source. As the layers of fears arise, it is an opportunity to look at what is coming up with the Holy Spirit EVERY TIME. Because the ego is our primary identity in the world, we have to put these principles into action over and over and not feel guilt for where we are at. ”The happy learner cannot feel guilty about learning” (Ch. 14, Part III in FIP edition).
A lot of times, once the anxiety would take hold, I’d find that the only way through it is through it. I relied on external help (therapy or medication) when I needed it (and I suggest that anyone who is really struggling with anxiety or depression do the same – the Holy Spirit will speak through others if we are too blocked to hear the Holy Spirit directly). We have to allow ourselves to be where we are at, and not feel more guilt for being in the state that we’re in. Feeling badly for feeling the way we do just holds the ego firmly in place. There wasn’t an instant fix for me, but instead the healing happened over time as I was ready. We’re deep into this dream, and so small things gently fall away as we’re ready to let them go.
By the way, the “First letter of Peter to a Corinneian” CRACKED me up! 
Have a question about ACIM? Ask me HERE!
Jun 042012
These were the words my stepdad said to me as I lay flat out on the couch, incapacitated by anxiety, unable to eat for days, with dark anxiety-induced circles under my teary eyes.
“The light in you is too bright to fail.”
These words gave me hope and a sense of relief as if I had just been given crystal clear healing water after slowly shriveling up and drying out in the desert. I knew, deep down, that we’re on this journey heading back to Love and to Peace. I knew, deep down, that I would make it, even though the present picture was pretty ugly. I knew that there were layers of undoing and unlearning, and layers of understanding and growth in being a student of “A Course in Miracles.” I was ready to take my study and practice deeper. I would do whatever it would take.
Before this time, I could not comprehend that my work with the Course could deepen. I worked the principles every day, and I had already done the lessons many times over. I was taking it as far as I could take it for where I was at. Since this time, I’ve witnessed how gentle the process of the Atonement (or “Undoing” of fear) really is. Layers of fear fall away as we are simply ready to let them go.
We think we want to let go of the fear now, but we actually do not because fear serves a useful purpose. It serves the purpose of keeping us identified with our bodies and believing that we are a small, separate self. Until we are ready to take responsibility for making and wanting fear, the fear will remain. It will be like a leaky pipe. We might plug up one hole of fear, but it will shift to some place else, unless we’re willing to look at the source of fear – our active desire to judge and to stay separated from our Source (call it Love, God, Oneness, Being, etc.), and the unconscious guilt we carry around because of this. We must look at our active desire to stay separated WITH our Inner Guide (aka the Holy Spirit).
When I realize that I’m not at peace and am touching upon one of the layers of fear, I stop and recognize that my unconscious split mind is calling this forth, in order to keep myself identified as a body. I say, “I am willing to look at this WITH the Holy Spirit” and then I hand it over to the Holy Spirit.
To do any of this, to advance in the Course at all, “The insignificance of the body has to become an acceptable idea.” If we’re not willing to see the body differently, a major block will remain in our path. Is it not a relief to learn that we’re much more than this pile of clay? Whew!
I say these words to you now, no matter what it is that you are going through, “The light in you is too bright to fail.”
We’re all heading home to Love together. There is nothing to fear.
Apr 102012
Being an anxiety sufferer, Easter, from a Course in Miracles point of view, has always given me a profound sense of comfort because it teaches that Love cannot be destroyed.
“There is no death. The Son of God is free.” – Lesson 163 in A Course in Miracles
I’ve always felt that a lot of my anxiety stemmed from a deep existential fear that came from way deep down inside of me. I always used to think that it was linked to a fear of death, and so the Course’s message that there is no death was an idea that soothed my frightened self.
This Easter, circumstances worked out that my husband and I were to spend the holiday alone at home. We were thrilled! I had a deep inner pull to spend a large part of the day in silence, practicing being in stillness.
Although the idea that “there is no death” is still comforting to me, this Easter held a slightly different meaning for me. The Course teaches that J. (the voice of the Course is Jesus – and I’ll be calling him “J.”), is like our elder brother. He struggled with the same ego temptations as we do, and he always worked his mind back into a place of remembering his true identity as the Son of God (and we’re all part of that same Sonship too). According to the Course, we are capable of remembering the exact same thing that he did. J. was just the first one to do so perfectly. He remembered his true identity and so became one with the Sonship (i.e. Christ, Oneness, Creation, Kingdom). He didn’t need to come back into another dream to keep learning because his need for learning was over, although his Voice is still very accessible to us.
As Course students, we’re asked to work our minds into a place where this remembering can flow across our open minds. We can’t do this alone, however. We have to ask for help from our Inner Guide (aka the Holy Spirit), or another symbol that we’re comfortable with (maybe J., angels, our Higher Self, etc.).
When we place our minds under the guidance of our Inner Teacher (Holy Spirit, J.), we are allowing our mind to be guided to our True Thoughts, rather than to the ego muck we usually have on the surface of our minds. This is what the Course refers to as “Christ Guidance.”
This Easter, the new meaning for me was that I touched the deep desire and willingness to place my mind under this “Christ Guidance” and to experience it. I wanted to remember what J. remembered, and know what J. knew. For me, this Easter was beyond just the comfort surrounding the idea that there is no death, but that we have real tools, right now, that we can use if we want to KNOW who we truly are. In sitting with this in meditation, my mind was still for long periods of time, and I simply felt pure Love. ♥
Easter is just a day (although it brings with it darn good treats like the one above!). But practicing the peace of Easter is our task every day.
Mar 112012
A very powerful lesson for me in “A Course in Miracles” is Lesson 136 – “Sickness is a defense against the truth.”
You can substitute many different words for the term sickness…. Depression is a defense against the truth, addiction is a defense against the truth, anxiety is a defense against the truth.
How is it that anxiety (or any of these problems) is a defense against the truth? The course talks about how the purpose of pain (psychological or physical) is to to keep us believing that we are our bodies. It hurts, and so of course it has to be real. And so we don’t look beyond it.
If anxiety is a defense against the truth, it means that the anxiety is actually a really great barometer for gauging how much we are identifying with our small self (how’s that for a reframe? ). If we’re feeling anxious, we can be sure that we’re in our ego. And so it is time to choose again.
So now what?
One of the italicized sections in ACIM (p. 90 in the Foundation for Inner Peace edition, p. 99 in the Course in Miracles Society edition) is a great one to memorize and use when that anxiety feeling arises:
I must have decided wrongly because I am not at peace.
I made the decision myself, but I can also decide otherwise.
I will to decide otherwise because I want to be at peace.
I do not feel guilty because the Holy Spirit will undo
all the consequences of my wrong decision if I will let Him.
I will to let Him, by allowing Him to decide for God for Me.
Read this slowly, noting that it is leading you towards willingness and openness to a shift in perception. It is also leading you towards lack of guilt, trust, and peace.
